#22

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

(Mostly) sober crying
Sat in my room
A cat, a beer, and a song on repeat
The way I've spent this day the last four years
And despite everything that's happened since then
I'm still the same
Still not over you

#21

Monday, December 3, 2012

December fog creeps in
And settles over everything
Enveloping the landscape and obscuring it from view
My depression does the same
(a re-used metaphor - so uncreative)
Working its way into the deepest crevices of my mind
I try to displace it with smoke
Try to fill in the space with various poisons
Try to ignore the fact that it's there altogether
Anything to keep me from wallowing in it
But these measures are all so temporary
So very fleeting
Because eventually I always end up back here
Stumbling blind through the fog
Searching for a light that won't go out
A mixed metaphor, perhaps
But why not confuse my writing
When it fits so comfortably with the rest of my life?

======

It's so hard to be comfortable on my own
When everything reminds me of you
Music, books, restaurants
This entire city itself
Every street we've driven is mapped out in my memory
I need only to glance at an intersection we've travelled through
And dozens of memories come rushing forth of every conversation we've had there
Along with the emotions attached to them
I still remember where we were when you told me you were having one of the best nights of your life
Even though all we did was drive around, get high, and listen to music
And I still remember how happy and content that made me feel
What happened to us?
To me?

#20

Monday, September 3, 2012

"I wish I had more friends," she said, and the second thing I thought was, "I don't."

#19

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Almost one week
And the contentment has turned
Slowly but steadily
Into anxiety and fear
Day by day
I can feel the doubt and the dark thoughts
Trying to force their way forward again
Despite my best attempts
To ignore
To rationalize
To look on the bright side
        (as if there is one -
        because like the Sacred Chao
        every bright side has a dark side as well
        and vice versa)
To numb
It seems like nothing will work
So terrified that an attempted mistake
Will ruin the best part of my life
A mistake I've wanted to happen for more than three years
But now, clearly, a mistake all the same

...and a mistake I'm afraid I'd only hesitate briefly
Before making again

#18

Monday, June 18, 2012

This one actually has a title


3:45pm

Day-drinking vodka since 11am
And I actually feel good on my own, for once
Emotions fuzzy, mind clear
Even though I know I'd sound like a simpleton if I spoke right now
But that doesn't matter
If I could feel like this forever, I would
Listening to weird prog rock in my bedroom...
I love my friends and family
But if I was locked forever, right here, right now
In this mindset
I wouldn't leave
Because after weeks of feeling disconnected and awful
(due to various chemicals, both internal and external)
I finally feel disconnected and good

#17

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Watching you
As you fawn over him
As he returns your advances
But for different reasons than you think
...or so he tells me

And I believe him
Even though I don't know if I do

And Christ, I hope it's true
Even if it hurts you
(and me, in a way)
I hope it's true

======

Were we happier six months ago?
If we were
Do we have something to do with the change?

...I worry that it's just me

#16

Monday, April 30, 2012

I'm in almost the exact same place I was two years ago
Same job, same room, same drugs
Just a little more jaded
And a little less caring


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Another Sunday in my room
Disconnected
Miles from everywhere
I don't know what to do with myself when you're not around
And there's no promise you'll come over today
I'm scared I've grown dependent on you
And I'm scared that will push you away
...and a little scared that it won't
I can feel the desire to self-destruct rising
Because I know I'll never get what I want
And sometimes I'd rather take the easy way out
Especially when you're not here
I'm so terrified you feel something for him
And if you do...
I don't know.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

When I finally sleep
And awake the next day
I will only remember the nightmares
And the dreams of you
Sometimes I can't tell the difference


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

First dry day in God knows when
Alone with my thoughts
Without any way to turn them off
Scraping black powder from ceramic tubes
Then mixing it with tobacco and herbs
Hoping I have enough to numb my mind
At least until sleep comes
Where I know you'll be