This shit stopped being poetry a while ago, it's basically journal entries with line breaks, so fuck it—I guess I'm just writing a journal entry. At least then I don't have to worry about it being "good" and there's less chance of me being cryptic or leaving things out or having a maybe inaccurate voice in service of the "poetry." Besides, it's not like I don't just steal lyrics from other people in every post, and that's always better poetry and usually better at saying what I'm trying to say anyway.
Been really self-pitying lately, in case that wasn't obvious. Really hoping it's just a combination of too much work, a fucked up sleep schedule, and getting sick that's making me feel this way. I thought I was at least on the upswing, where this situation with S— wasn't on my mind all the time and I at least kinda hoped I'd be okay with just being her friend one day, but I've just walked around feeling awful most of the time for like the last week and a half now. I dunno, I guess I've definitely been overemotional in general, I saw a dead raccoon(?) coming back from work on the day I called in last week and almost started crying. Played some Frightened Rabbit one day as well and that definitely sent me, although I can't listen to that band without crying period since their singer killed himself a few years ago. And I weirdly don't relate to a lot of it anymore, I think because I know my friendship with S— doesn't match up in most ways to what Scott is singing about with actual relationships. I think I used to force myself into lyrics more than I currently do, believe it or not.
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I lay my head on the railroad tracks
And wait for the Double E
The railroad don't run no more
Poor, poor pitiful me
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Regarding self-pity, I had my first productive stoned thought in a while this morning. Lately weed has just been making me anxious, but I keep trying because I'm back on antabuse (probably until I move out) and this is all I've got to hopefully make my brain shut up for a while. But this morning it actually gave me a little distance from things, and I realized that I used to wallow in my self-pity, then that grossed me out so I'd get stuck at feeling guilty and angry about it and about my inability to just act like a friend to S—, but I'm realizing that maybe I need to just allow myself to feel sorry for myself, to almost look at it as an act of self-care. If I saw someone else going through this, even fictionally, I would feel bad for them just out of empathy, so why do I disallow even a small amount of that for myself? It's not like getting angry or feeling guilty ultimately makes me any less self-pitying. It just makes me weird. S— said yesterday that it's good we feel emotions or otherwise we'd be fucked, maybe that's true of all emotions to some extent. Allow myself to empathize with me, and maybe I'll be able to empathize with her more. It's a shitty situation for everyone.
Because despite all my self-pitying shit, I *do* have sympathy for what she's going through (again) with this, too. The meme thing she showed me about women being fine with friendship after being rejected, and men having a meltdown stung because part of me was like... "I can't just drop these feelings I have for you, y'know? If I could take a friendship potion, I'd do it in a heartbeat just to change the way my heart beats." But it also stung because it reminded me of how fucking frustrating this has to be for her, when a dude she only sees as a best friend constantly gets weird, to have to walk on eggshells and watch everything she says, to not be able to talk about a new relationship that's *finally* healthy. I try to guess what's in her head so often in regards to me instead of listening to what she actually tells me (like even now I wonder what that "sometimes she wants to be the Button on your sleeve" line meant), but I don't spend enough time thinking about how shitty it has to be to be in her shoes, at least not without spinning off into a shame spiral and making it all about me again. I'm gonna try to walk that tightrope of being mindful of her feelings, while also not allowing myself to wallow in guilt over it or to let that guilt develop into shame. And it's good that I'm getting better at setting boundaries, I just wish those boundaries were fairer to her, and that I was both better at following them myself and not beating myself up when I do follow them.
S— mentioned a ball she went to on Friday and I wanted to ask her to tell me about it and to show me pictures, but I knew it would've just bummed me out more. I hate that I couldn't ask her about it, but maybe she didn't notice. Or maybe she knew enough not to tell me more, since she didn't send pictures even though she specifically mentioned pictures being taken. Fuck, I've gotta stop worrying about stuff like this if I'm going to set boundaries. It bummed me out knowing she went because I assume she went with A—, it woulda bummed me out more if he was in any of the pictures, and probably just seeing her would've made my heart do dumb stuff so it's good I didn't ask. I need to just leave it there.
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Fuck, seriously though, I'd give anything to be aromantic and asexual 100% of the time. A cute girl I've noticed around work was in the training sessions I went to this week, and I spent most of the week up in my head about it instead of just being friendly. I think she's too young for me anyway, like maybe recently out of college, but I could've just had a new friend to geek out about The Legend of Zelda with. Instead I spent half the week being a fucking weirdo, and by the time I finally talked to her a little on Wednesday and she didn't run screaming, they decided to drop Friday's session and I ended up being too sick on Thursday, so I basically lost any chance whatsoever since our shifts normally only overlap for a couple hours. Making new friends is awkward enough, I wish I didn't have dumbass storybook romance feelings before I even get to know people or, even more gross, boner feelings. I just wanna be friends with everyone, is that so much to ask?
I feel like I had more shit I wanted to say, but I've gotten up and down and done other stuff while writing this and now I don't remember what it was. I need to write like this more often, although maybe I should keep it private. This is starting to feel kinda icky too (a childish description for what is probably a childish behavior). Speaking of icky, I pulled a couple of the gross poems down. Also tried rewriting one to be more from her perspective to try and understand how she feels more. I guess I'll end with that. I rewrote it in my head earlier and I'm not sure if I forgot how it went or if it's just not as good as it sounded in my head, but meh. Feeling okay today, and while I absolutely don't trust it, I'll take it as long as it lasts.
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[10.08.2023]
the shittiest Beatles song
[08.22.2023]
