#68

c. July 2008


Boxer & Hedges

Sitting outside
I light a cigarette
And I hope it will help me think
Take a long, slow drag
Breathing the smoke into my lungs
Alcohol won't make things better
But I drink anyway
Because I can't find a good reason not to
And I don't know if I should
And I don't know if it's good
I'm thinking about her
Still
Like I've been doing since I met her
I listen to a sad song
And another comes on
So I light another cigarette
Inhale, then breathe out
Watch the smoke until it disappears
Thinking I shouldn't let her do the same
But I don't know if I should
But I don't know if it's good
Take another drink, take another drag
Take another thought
And try and work out its conclusion
I think too much
And don't act enough
I wonder if I can save her
I wonder if I should save her
If it's even my place
I consider my motives
Then consider my motives for considering
Trying to rationalize it all to myself
So I don't feel guilty
But that wouldn't change anything
Because I would still want to help her
Except I don't know if I should
Except I don't know if it's good
I've been transfixed on her
Since she crashed into my life
The way the dawn crashes in after too many drinks
The way she crashes when her high wears off
Three days of not feeling right
Three days of helplessness
Of not being able to change anything
Maybe I know how she feels better than I think I do
A change of songs, a change of cigarettes
But that's all that changes
My mind remains the same
As I wonder where she is
And if she'd even listen to me
And if that would even make a difference
I contemplate my cigarette as it dies
Hoping if I can focus my sight, I can focus my thoughts
Put one final filter to my lips
As the fire burns my eyes
The way the sun will tomorrow morning
The way she burns my brain right now
I think I could change things if I tried
If I did something other than thinking
And I think...
I think I'm going to
Though I don't know if I should
Though I don't know if it's good
I need a decent night's sleep for once



Thursday, May 14, 2015


Misanthropic Humanism

I love all homo sapiens
Each and every individual one

Let us do the proper thing
And all commit suicide