#77

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Not to sound dramatic
But there are days when taking my life
Seems easier than taking a shower
  (a thing I like to do!)
When every word I force through my teeth
Feels like a paperthin death

I'm not trying to go easy on me
But you should know:
The fact that I made multiple(!) phonecalls today
Is fucking miraculous
Especially when they were about me

Progress takes time.
There are a lot of false starts
And a lot of fallings flat
  on my stupid face;
I know it's painful to watch
  (really, I do)
But as long as I'm still laughing
Can/'t you laugh, too?

#76

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

poking nerves wrapped in cellophane
because I'm "right about everything"
yeah, sure, I'm right about everything
...but I am right about everything

     Neither of us asked for it
     And I think we both get that
     But you had me
     And I didn't ask for it
     Do you get that?

fuck, why do I always make myself the victim?
why am I always assigning blame
but never accepting it?


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Staring at lines in the ceiling
Stuck in the longest afternoon
I just want to sleep
To sleep, but not to dream
To shut down completely
Because I think too much...

I consume myself with thought
Teeth ripping, tearing, rending
Leaving behind a mound of unidentifiable gristle
Spending days, weeks, trying to rebuild it into something that makes sense
Some sculpture that will provide an answer
     - or at least a fucking hint
     the slightest idea of what's broken inside me
But it always comes out wrong
Dripping pockmarks, jagged bony protrusions
A hideous shrine to futility

And me, lying face-down at its base
Waiting for the strength to tear it down again
Though I'm never sure if I want to keep trying
Or add another line


"I love dreamless sleep. Dreams tell me too much. Sometimes the less I know, the better. The more I look, the more I see.

I have tried some stupid things in my time. Gone to extremes to try and get away from things in my head that I knew were trying to kill me. Hard to swallow when you see yourself as the enemy. Only you could put yourself through this. I have tried to ignore myself, failing miserably every time.

Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

How far does one have to go before the pain falls away? I don't want to shoot myself in the head anymore. I'm tired of that money business. I'm tired of my brain. I want to remove parts—burn parts out. Do you get tired of the language that they speak, the things that they do? Me too. They shove dirt into my thoughts. Can't wait for the sun to go down today. I can come out at night. I can lose myself at night. Walk and forget. Walk and unload."
~Henry Rollins, "Monster"

#75

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"A man's gotta
believe in something..."

If that's true
I'm not a man
Because I couldn't fucking tell you
What I believe



Tuesday, June 9, 2015


My Life is Not a Movie, Thank God


Act I

in the film of my life
i'm certainly not the star
and on the off-chance that i am
i'm the tragic hero
...no, the pitiable protagonist

#74

Friday, June 5, 2015


TMBG*

equilibrium still fucked from
swinging on a deck swing
swang and swung
sweng and songs
deck me
emotionally (*)
and it all feels wrong

#73

Monday, May 25, 2015

Unconditional love is wrong


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Even through the haze
I can see ten-year-old me
And the look in his eyes
Is the same look in mine
Sick and scared
Sick and scared


Monday, June 1, 2015

for the love of fuck
can i please, please just drop out
and stop disappointing everyone?