#76

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

poking nerves wrapped in cellophane
because I'm "right about everything"
yeah, sure, I'm right about everything
...but I am right about everything

     Neither of us asked for it
     And I think we both get that
     But you had me
     And I didn't ask for it
     Do you get that?

fuck, why do I always make myself the victim?
why am I always assigning blame
but never accepting it?


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Staring at lines in the ceiling
Stuck in the longest afternoon
I just want to sleep
To sleep, but not to dream
To shut down completely
Because I think too much...

I consume myself with thought
Teeth ripping, tearing, rending
Leaving behind a mound of unidentifiable gristle
Spending days, weeks, trying to rebuild it into something that makes sense
Some sculpture that will provide an answer
     - or at least a fucking hint
     the slightest idea of what's broken inside me
But it always comes out wrong
Dripping pockmarks, jagged bony protrusions
A hideous shrine to futility

And me, lying face-down at its base
Waiting for the strength to tear it down again
Though I'm never sure if I want to keep trying
Or add another line


"I love dreamless sleep. Dreams tell me too much. Sometimes the less I know, the better. The more I look, the more I see.

I have tried some stupid things in my time. Gone to extremes to try and get away from things in my head that I knew were trying to kill me. Hard to swallow when you see yourself as the enemy. Only you could put yourself through this. I have tried to ignore myself, failing miserably every time.

Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

How far does one have to go before the pain falls away? I don't want to shoot myself in the head anymore. I'm tired of that money business. I'm tired of my brain. I want to remove parts—burn parts out. Do you get tired of the language that they speak, the things that they do? Me too. They shove dirt into my thoughts. Can't wait for the sun to go down today. I can come out at night. I can lose myself at night. Walk and forget. Walk and unload."
~Henry Rollins, "Monster"