c. May 2005
Late nights turn into early mornings, and sometimes I lay there and toss and turn. Sometimes I just sit and stare, wondering why I can't cry and wishing I could, like that day I drove in the rain, the window down, cold and tired, the salt of my tears mixing with the rain running down my face. There are things I want to say but no words to say them with, but I need to try, need to do something to shake this feeling I have grown to love. I think back to parties, rooms full of people, yet I was there only to see her. And when she left, I left and drove for hours, not in any direction, just driving and letting the white lines blur, trying to find meaning in the darkness and the silence, a reason for these emotions finally coming out after two years of suppression. Driving on those dimly lit back roads with nothing but the trees and the asphalt and the sky and myself, wishing so badly that she was in the seat next to me, because I know her presence would make everything all right. I asked her today if she was busy, weeks of fear and paranoia and apprehension released with one unsure sentence, and she said she was as she walked away blushing, leaving me to wonder what would happen next. Only weeks away from summer, and then another year, and then I will never see her again, and goddamnit all, time just moves so fast, running ahead to take her away from me, and then what will I do? God, please, I know I don't deserve anything, but please help me. The ache is so great and I just want to get rid of it. I tell myself I don't care and build up complex logic barriers to block out all feeling, only to have them broken by her laugh or a passing glance at her face that manifests into a sharp burst of pain that leaves my heart bleeding out into the emptiness between us in a desperate attempt to relieve this hurt by reaching out to her and failing miserably because now that the wall is broken I can only focus on my longing and nothing else. All logic has left and been replaced by all the love I have for her, which is all the love I have, so I am left numb and apathetic about everything except her, and if she knew that she would push me away just like before, and so she can't know, but how am I supposed to reach out if she can't know, and now she has to know and I've succeeded only in undoing that at which I worked so hard to repair. And yet my love is as strong as ever and that has to mean something. And I have let my guard down and now I know that she is what I need, but she doesn't need me, she doesn't even see me for what I am now, and if she could, would it even matter, or would she continue to deny me her thoughts and her hopes and her fears and to reject all that I really have to offer her - a love that is not even my own.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Mixtapes made and never given
Unable to read your kind words because I know they're true
And that makes it difficult to hate you the way I want to
I never wanted to be here
