#42

Friday, September 27, 2013


Epiphany

There's nothing I can do
To make you feel the same
And nothing I would do
Because I finally understand
That if I could
It still wouldn't be what I want
Because love and free will
Go hand in hand
In a way we never will
And despite years of trying
I can't love you enough
For both of us
And for once in my life
I'm truly okay with that
Now all that's left is to
Match my heart to yours and
Await the outcome
And no matter what that outcome is
I will accept it with a
Smile on my face and a
Lightness within
For I know that whatever will happen
Is supposed to be

#41

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Clarity

I couldn't fathom the fact that she wasn't in love with me. I was so delusional and selfish and unaware of both myself and of her that I was positive she was in love with me on some level but refused to admit it to herself. And thus, I viewed everything she did through that lens.

When I broke things off with her and she cried, felt depressed, didn't know what to do with herself - it was because I'd rejected her, broken up with her, and the secret part of her that was in love with me couldn't deal with that. It wasn't because I really was her best friend, sometimes her only friend. It wasn't because I was the only person with whom she really felt comfortable talking about difficult things.

When she wasn't there for me every second that I needed her in a stressful situation, it was because she was punishing me for something and didn't care about our "relationship" anymore. It wasn't because she was terrified of pushing too hard and scaring me out of something everyone knew I had to do to fix myself. It wasn't because she thought she might lose me again, maybe for good.

When she hung out with other guys, she was betraying me - hell, cheating on me - by spending time with them because she was interested in all of them. She wasn't doing it because she had friends other than me just like I had friends other than her. It wasn't because she is fully capable of being nothing more than friends with the opposite sex. It wasn't because she likes meeting new, interesting people the way every human being does.

When she actually did have feelings for other guys and really did do intimate things with them on occasion and then told me about it, it was because she was trying to hurt me, trying to make me jealous, trying to push me away, trying to drive us apart. It wasn't because she was happy or nervous or excited or confused or hurt or sad, and it wasn't because she wanted, sometimes needed, to talk to her best friend about it; nor was it because I would be upset if she didn't tell me.

And when she didn't tell me those things, it was because she was trying to keep secrets from me, lie to me about what was really happening. It wasn't because she was trying to protect me and avoid hurting my feelings, it wasn't because she knew that whether she told me or not, I would get mad at her and blame her for making me feel bad, it wasn't because it probably seemed like the kind, rational thing to do to save me (and her) some immediate pain by not telling me - especially since the outcome would be the same either way.

When she cuddled with me or rested her head on my shoulder or let me sleep next to her, it was because the part of her that was in love with me was trying to be romantic and let itself show despite her denial of it. It wasn't because she's an affectionate person and felt safe with her best friend, and it wasn't because it was comforting to her and to me to do those things.

When she thought about us, the part of her that was in love with me thought about us, as though we were one unit, rather than two separate people in a great, close, deep, caring, loving friendship - a friendship that one of those two people ruined countless times (maybe forever) by failing to realize that there isn't an us, there never was an us; by failing to realize that she never wanted or claimed to want or gave any signs of wanting anything more than a friendship; by failing to realize that the part of her that was in love with me was located in my own head.

God, have mercy, and I ask that she might do the same one last time. I'm a slow learner; don’t let it be too late.

#40

Monday, September 23, 2013


Borges

...hallways
The same, always
Lost, fumbling, stumbling
I recognize these
Corridors labyrinthine
Open doors unexisting
I know this place
Better than myself
Though escape eludes me
The only exit precludes me
As it forever folds back on itself
Returning me to the heart of these...

#39

Saturday, September 21, 2013


(Not?) The End

An unsure conversation
And uneasy as well
With an unclear outcome
Though anything worth doing
Is rarely clear, easy, or sure
This won't pan out the way I want it to
But I might finally believe that's for the best
I only hope I'm strong enough
Not to lose that faith
- assuming this happens at all
And if it doesn't
I've only myself to blame
And if it does
I can't ruin it again
No
I won't ruin it again
For each of us

#38

Monday, September 16, 2013


!

Queen's pawn
Carefully makes his way across the board
Only to be overtaken by
Another black knight at Q7
In an obvious capture, orchestrated by white queen
Though their game will end in
Stalemate

In the next game
Pawn falls under King's command
And will finally reach
The eighth rank
Anticipating his promotion
Into whatever King sees fit

#37

Saturday, September 14, 2013


Someday I'll Read This, Laugh, and Roll My Eyes (Maybe You'll Be There Too)

Home
And things are
So much better
So much worse
Than I ever thought possible
You told me a joke I don't understand
And every time I repeat it to see if anyone else does
The punchline tastes like wormwood
(no one else gets it, either, by the way)
Still
That joke is precisely what I needed
To close this book
That has taken me more than four years to finish
I only hope I'm able to
Place it back on the shelf
Sooner
Rather than
Later

#36

Saturday, August 24, 2013


Lip Service

A white tunnel fills my vision
And somehow I manage to make a
Panicked escape through it
Despite my shallow breaths
My paralyzed limbs
My boiling brain
On the run for hours that seem
Timeless and surreal
Static, yet moving forward
While you spend time with those
Close to me
With full knowledge of my situation
If not my spatial location
As the others
     (the real ones?
     certainly the ones I neglected
     and maybe should have been with
     all along)
Make the journey to find me
To save me
From myself
I see now what everyone else has seen
So clearly
For so long
And though you've pushed me to come here
Time and again
For time immeasurable
I wonder
Will you regret it
When I return home?



Monday, September 9, 2013


Pandora's Box

A sealed rectangle
inscribed with both our names
     (mine taking precedence
     over yours
     for the first time in...
     all time?)
sent from close by
but arriving inexplicably late
due to circumstances beyond my control
and understanding
Was all it took to bring back the
familiar vibration of anxiety
originating just below my chest and
spreading out in all directions -
overtaking
     my lungs
     my heart
     my throat
     the muscles in my extremities
     my brain
     and finally whatever it is at the core of
     who I am
in a matter of seconds
Leaving in its wake a dreadful,
silent,
stillness,
     (one which I'm sure would have been
     painfully clear
     had anyone looked at me)
as I slowly split open the paper container
releasing the devastatingly innocuous kindness within.
And as my eyes scanned the
countless back symbols
covering two white sheets
I tried to determine
why I had finally received them.
Did you feel guilty?
Ashamed?
Sad nervous worried?
...scared?
I guess in three days' time it will
cease to matter
because there's nothing you
could have done
or will do
to change my trajectory.
The actions I'll take then were
set in stone,
solidified,
frozen,
unchangeable,
the second I left
three weeks ago...
even if no one knew at the time,
save for the One who imbued me
with the strength
to do this -
and for that
  (the strength and the unknowing)
I am thankful.