#18

Monday, June 18, 2012

This one actually has a title


3:45pm

Day-drinking vodka since 11am
And I actually feel good on my own, for once
Emotions fuzzy, mind clear
Even though I know I'd sound like a simpleton if I spoke right now
But that doesn't matter
If I could feel like this forever, I would
Listening to weird prog rock in my bedroom...
I love my friends and family
But if I was locked forever, right here, right now
In this mindset
I wouldn't leave
Because after weeks of feeling disconnected and awful
(due to various chemicals, both internal and external)
I finally feel disconnected and good

#17

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Watching you
As you fawn over him
As he returns your advances
But for different reasons than you think
...or so he tells me

And I believe him
Even though I don't know if I do

And Christ, I hope it's true
Even if it hurts you
(and me, in a way)
I hope it's true

======

Were we happier six months ago?
If we were
Do we have something to do with the change?

...I worry that it's just me

#16

Monday, April 30, 2012

I'm in almost the exact same place I was two years ago
Same job, same room, same drugs
Just a little more jaded
And a little less caring


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Another Sunday in my room
Disconnected
Miles from everywhere
I don't know what to do with myself when you're not around
And there's no promise you'll come over today
I'm scared I've grown dependent on you
And I'm scared that will push you away
...and a little scared that it won't
I can feel the desire to self-destruct rising
Because I know I'll never get what I want
And sometimes I'd rather take the easy way out
Especially when you're not here
I'm so terrified you feel something for him
And if you do...
I don't know.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

When I finally sleep
And awake the next day
I will only remember the nightmares
And the dreams of you
Sometimes I can't tell the difference


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

First dry day in God knows when
Alone with my thoughts
Without any way to turn them off
Scraping black powder from ceramic tubes
Then mixing it with tobacco and herbs
Hoping I have enough to numb my mind
At least until sleep comes
Where I know you'll be