#103

[11.06-07.2021]

dirt nap / cat nap

i don't believe in god(s)
angels, demons, ghosts
magic, magik, or magick
psychic powers, ESP, or telekinesis
    ("how 'bout the power to move you")
the existence of a "soul" or "spirit"
the metaphysical, the supernatural
or any of that nonsense

but cat heaven is real
and they just got
a new morning show
called
"Rocket & The Moose"

#102

 [10.25.2021]

as for steps...

i don't know

        i drink much less
        beer instead of booze, too
    (but maybe still too often)

                i like myself more
                i've made new friends
            (mostly online)

                    i try to leave the house
                (every once in a while)

                        i'm probably taking a new job
                    (stocking produce at Cub)

                            i run a semi-successful record label
                        (well, cassette label, in a very niche genre)

but i still keep tripping
on the thought
that i'll hurt
you

#101

 [10.17.2021]

i played an avian board game
with facts about birds
on all the cards
and i couldn't believe
how much you taught me

[10.25.2021]

i haven't written
because i haven't had the words
to say i'm afraid
i'll just abandon you
again

...and aren't you afraid, too?

sometimes i wonder
how you could trust me
but maybe i'm projecting

regardless
the world would be
a lesser place
without you

#100

[09.22.21]

neither a naiad

nor a nymph

the valkyrie's blade

(vorpal though it is)

severs my soul

as for the knife edge

of the mobius strip

i hope it's just a metaphor

---------------

"i've been one poor correspondent

and too, too hard to find

but it doesn't mean

you ain't been on my mind"

#99

[09.03.2021]

would you

want to

walk through

wooded waters

with me?

i would

intercept

insect stings

so you could

shoot

swans' wings

#98

 [07.30.2021-08.07.2021]

ApoloJaws 3 in the Land of Oz (soon in 3D)

to shoot the oxygen tank
or sink like Quint
i'm sorry
but i'm not sure what to do
    (or who is who
    in this clanky metaphor
    ...and are the shark teeth
    even real?)

/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\

if i said
you've had
    smarts
        love &
            courage
all along
would you listen?
    ((((even from a humbug
        behind a curtain?))))

because i'm tapping
my red-sequined heels

and should i encounter you
in the silver city
that's what i'd say

#97.5

[07.21.21]

couldn't figure out how to end this

hiraeth
soon to be sated
for this i have waited
afraid
my breath it is baited
for i have created
an image i've hated

... i'm coming home soon

#97

[07.15.2021]

more apologies

i don't have the right

i shouldn't have started this

because while i'm doing better

than i have since i moved

        (and i hope you are, too)

my feelings for you

are still the same

in most every way

which will only hurt us both

down the line

sorry for that

        (again)

and for my terrible diction

especially compared to yours

i'm out of practice

and besides

what else should i write?

#96

escuche

cumpleaños feliz

la Botón

#95

[like every other day for the past few months]

i miss her so much

but i'm just not ready yet

that's it

that's all

#94

Terrified for the future of... well, everything, but I'm too fucking pissed and upset to even write something clever about the absolute scumbags running everything and the people supporting them. So instead, here's two unfinished pomes about myself that I unsubtly mashed into one, and an old, weird, quasi-experimental thing I found (would give anything to have that me back again).

[11.2020 & 01.06.2021]

catfish-22

i always thought i was doing something noble by ignoring my real feelings in order to "be there" for her
except i could never fully "be there" because i was ignoring my real feelings

never able to say
how i really feel
and it always leads up
to the same reveal

[11.28.2017]

my therapist's POV

["I know this girl..."]

No, let me start over

["I know this woman," he said.

He said, "Let me tell you about her."]

And then he did

And the things he told me...

Man, you should've been there

You should've heard

This girl...

This woman

She picked right up

She left her family

She left her friends

She left her everything

To go somewhere far less comfortable

Than the place she lived

["And she did it," he said,

"Because she said that's what she wanted.

To leave everything, to start all over.

And that hopefully it would help her."]

Which it will, of course

["But," he said,

"She's also doing it to help other people,

people who really need help," he said.

"Because," he said,

"at her core, she is

a tremendous human being."]

He said that

And I could do nothing

But smile

Nod

And miss her with him.

---------------

"I think that we'll go to hell for
All the things that we have thought we've done"

"My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you"

"'Best friends' may not mean 'best friends forever'
But it does mean at some point, somewhere, someone did care

And the memory is still there"

"Lay the young blue bodies

With the old red bodies

I'm afraid of everyone

With my kid on my shoulders I try

Not to hurt anybody I like

But I don't have the drugs to sort it out"

#93

A couple things out of a bunch, then way too many quotes.

[01.03.20]

"This Account is Private"

not sure if you did it
for me
or
because of me
but either way
i'm thankful

and
i'm sorry
    (hopefully one day
    i won't have to say that anymore)

[01.04.20]

Slowpoke Used Amnesia (but it failed)

if only i could make
my stupid brain forget
maybe i could start over
with thicker skin
and i could just be
your bro

...but i'm afraid i'll never learn

---------------

"You project on her your inward scenes
She's a blank, external movie screen"

"I sued Time for malpractice, that bastard's a hack with a rusty scalpel and barbwire stitch-thread"

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

"I hate when I feel like this
But I never hated you"

#92

 [01.01.2021]

installing net nanny for the new year

not sure what made me think
Instacreeping was a good way

to kick things off

i deserve everything

i feel right now

as well as the rest

when i wake up

     (and i swear ive felt

     exactly this

     before)

really hoping

this is just what i need

to move on

...besides

what better time for change

right!?!?!?

Ugh

----------------

"If I ever find a dead horse, I am going to beat the fucking shit out of it."