#79

Friday, July 10, 2015


Belated Eulogy for HW

Mountains of pain
Looming in distant fog
Beyond idyllic rolling fields
Of absurdity, comedy,
And a desire to remain unserious
Able to stay there
With the right music
And a handful of whatever's around
Until the bottom dropped out
After a tape-recorded night of celebration
I don't know exactly what followed
But I think I can guess:
A moment of clarity
     of realizing how fucked things are
     and maybe how fucked they've always been
A seeking of help
     an admission that you can't save yourself by yourself
     no matter how much it hurts
A period of optimism
     trying to reintegrate
     maybe even feeling good for a while
Until the bottom dropped even further
As the gnawing inside became more intense
Falling back into old habits -
Attempts to satiate the ravenous maw
Only to find those habits are less effective than ever
Because now you know better
     (or should, anyway)
But nothing/no-one else fills that void, either
No matter what or who it is
Those feelings
     the ones that had been there forever
     the ones that kept getting worse
...you couldn't see them ever going away
And once that idea solidified
You understood that you'd never really lived
And probably never would
So you left it all behind
Forced your sister to a place inconceivable
I read her words, and they broke my heart
Because I imagined my sister writing the same, yes
But also because I see a lot of me in you
And, truth be told,
I'm afraid I might meet you
And soon.

"I just think motherfuckers wanna laugh"

#78

Thursday, July 9, 2015


My Feet are Fucking Freezing

two years and i'm back in the same place
well, no, not the same place
i'm doing better in a lot of ways
and this time it's my choice
but still, even after xanax and a joint
nothing will slow down right now