#59

Saturday, December 21, 2014


Here.

I don't know where to start with this. I want to apologize but I'm afraid anything I say will sound shallow and insincere. Maybe if I explain where I've been at for the last year, an apology will carry a little more weight. So here goes, I guess...

The fact that the two of you started dating hurt me in so many different ways and for so many different reasons - some of which I'm still realizing (or allowing myself to admit to myself - more on that later). It hurt for all the personal reasons you'd expect - pride, ego, selfishness, loss, depression, etc. - but it also hurt because you were specifically dating him. I just didn't get it, and I knew you could do better (and not because he's going nowhere, but because I knew you could find someone who would love you for you - and I swear to God, I mean someone other than me). If it would have been anyone else, it would have hurt, yes, but it would've been tolerable. He was the worst person you could have picked, because not only did I know you could do better, I was honestly worried about you getting hurt by him because I know who he is. Shitty thing was, I couldn't say any of that at the time because it would've seemed like it was coming out of jealousy or because I was trying to break you guys up... which would've been part of it, if I'm honest, but there were good intentions behind it too - because despite everything, I never stopped seeing you as a friend (no matter what else I might want), and because of that I never wanted to see you get hurt.

These conflicting emotions were part of it, too. The fact that I was both afraid of seeing you get hurt by him and that I want to be with you myself really fucked with my head. I never knew which impulse was real, and would go back and forth trying to figure out how I really felt instead of accepting that I could be selfish and still worry about your well-being. On top of that, I'd been lying to myself for so long about my feelings towards you (months, maybe years) that I started being unable to trust myself about anything. I'd lie to myself and try to interpret things as you being interested in me, then lie to myself and tell myself I was okay with just being friends in order to avoid getting my hopes up. When you got back from Africa, I really had to hide my feelings from myself, because I felt so raw that to honestly engage them at all would cause me to immediately break down. When I got out of treatment, I told myself I was okay with the two of you dating because I thought it was the right thing to do, even though I was anything but okay with it. I also wanted to hang around even though it hurt like crazy... and I suppose I assumed you knew it was hurting me like crazy, and when you didn't read my mind and acknowledge that, it made me more upset.

Look, the point of all this is that I was confused, scared, and in so much pain that I didn't know how to deal with it. So I just turned it into anger. I let myself live in my rage, and eventually I turned it outward on the two of you because I wanted to hurt you as much as I was hurting. I blamed both of you for the way I felt, for my confusion and fear, and I also wanted you to know how much pain I was in. So, I said the most violent, hurtful, intimidating, mean, threatening things I could think of. I wanted you to hurt, to be afraid, to be confused, because that's all I felt - and rather than admitting that I was allowing you two to affect my life way more than I should have, rather than being honest with you, me, him, everyone, I lashed out. I think I wanted to make you hate me as much as I hated myself. It was also part of an attempt to push you away from me by acting as horribly as I possibly could. I've spent the last year pushing away everyone who cares about me, and with you I was afraid that if I didn't absolutely burn that bridge, it wouldn't be enough to keep you away from me.

Fuck, I'm rambling now more than usual, and I don't have any idea what else I wanted to say. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or if it just makes me seem crazier. So, for what it's worth... I'm sorry, Sif. I'm sorry for hurting you, for scaring you, for blaming you, for being dishonest with you, for manipulating situations to fit my own ends, for making you worry, for trying to break up your relationship, for being weird and bitter and angry and selfish and generally a pile of shit. I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, gutwrenchingly sorry. And if that's not enough, if you want nothing to do with me, I get it. Really, I do. And please, please remember two things: (1) you are absolutely deserving of love, and (2) you are fucking awesome.

All right, that's it.

Love, always,
Ben

#58

Monday, December 22, 2014


I wrote you a letter
Because I had too much to say for a poem
But now I'm afraid that even an epic
Wouldn't say enough

"i drew a blank
and i think
it may be
the best thing
i've ever drawn"
~Saul Williams

#57

Saturday, December 21, 2014


I won't gloat
I won't say I told you so
Because I never wanted him to hurt you in the first place
And while I'm relieved it's finally over
I'm not glad that I was right

And yeah, your light is pretty fucking radiant
Don't worry
You won't lose it over this

#56

Saturday, July 12, 2014


Golden Record (Voyager 1)

Let go, it's okay
I'm trying to do the same
- and I don't mean let go of life,
which is always a gift
Always.
No matter how much you (and I) might disbelieve that

-----

Golden Record (Voyager 2)

For what it's worth
(less than nothing, I'm sure
- and if that's true
I don't blame you for one second)
I'm sorry.
For everything.

...god, I want to tell you that in person.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Self-Obsession

I have a permanent death stare
And I can't stop looking in the mirror


Friday, August 8, 2014


(70*7)+1

I've lost my will to write
Because I finally have to admit:
I'll never pen myself into your heart
Nor you out of mine

Besides
I've said everything
There is to say
One time
Too many

...and you're tired of listening anyway

#55

Tuesday, May 12, 2014


Beladegeist (a moribund suicide fantasy)

And when it ends
I will haunt you
As a ghost that isn't there -
An apparition of a shade
Crouched in the darkness of your memory
Unknown...
Until you kiss him
And taste my bile-like bittnerness in his mouth,
Until he speaks
And you hear my cries of anguish in his voice,
Until he caresses you
And you feel my long-dead warmth in his fingertips.
Until you awake one night
And for an infinite second
Find me laying next to you
Eyes wide and staring with accusation,
Maw open in a silent moan of agony,
Until I metamorphosize back into his sleeping form
Leaving you shaken and doubting,
Wondering what you could have done to prevent this;
It's too late.
I'm gone, entirely
Existing only in your memory
A spirit trapped in your mind
From which there is no exorcism.

You will only find relief
Once you've joined me.

#54

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Belated Eulogy for JM

The saddest poet to walk this earth
    (or any other)
Guitar strummed miserable and bleak
Voice somehow strong and broken
    (as though despair was your religion,
    HOPELESS your sole creed;
    an unwavering faith that things
    won't work out)
Notes made lonelier by tape hiss
Because it formed an outline of a solitary man
Whether sitting in a bedroom
Or standing at the front of a bar
Alone, even when surrounded by magnolias
Finding solace only in a mutual friend
Who is the worst kind of
   backstabbing,
   two-faced,
   truthless,
   bastard.
And still, you continued to meet with him
Regularly
As do I.
We never met
But I feel like we would have understood one another
Even though we both feel tragically unique
I'm following your trail for the moment
I only hope I find a new path
Before it's too late

"there is nothing reliable like change
be your own guide"


Friday, February 7, 2014

I want to wait forever
Because I'm comfortable with this pain
...well, it's better than change, anyway


Tuesday, February 11, 2014


Buying Records on eBay

Nostalgic for nostalgia
Using the present
To make the future
Like my past


Wednesday, February 12, 2014


in answer to your question

You are intelligent, funny, creative, compassionate, unique, wonderful, talented, fascinating
You are gorgeous (despite what you think of yourself)
You care
You listen
Your poetry is as beautiful as it is heartbreaking, it's influenced me, and I wish I could write like you
Your photography is amazing
You've made me appreciate all the beauty in the world so much more
My life is better because you are a part of it
You've taught me so much
You've made me stronger
You are deserving of love (please don't ever forget that)
You crashed into my life and shook me so deeply with who you are that even if I didn't want to love you, I couldn't help it
You've inspired me
You've done so many cool things in your short life
You are you, and that is more than enough
To put it simply:
Because


Friday, February 14, 2014

living vicariously through your pain
as if i don't have enough of my own

-----

two statements

I love you both.
Please break up.

#53

Monday, February 3, 2014


Note (Malt Liquor and Hypothermia)

I'll wear boots
So I don't get cold feet
For once in my life

This is my fault
And mine alone
So feel okay

And when I go to sleep
Let me sleep forever

#52

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I used to drink because I wasn't with you
Now I drink to forget you


Friday, January 10, 2014

I run at the faintest sign of rain
The smallest tinge of greyed unsure-ity
As I'm swallowed by my insecurity

-----

I just want a sad affair
The kind I should have had
My senior year


Friday, January 17, 2014

i don't know the difference between love and obsession
love, disease, and obsession are one in the same


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

i only wish your happiness
made me happy as well
instead of hurting so much
that i don't want to feel anything
ever again


Sunday, February 2, 2014

she held me
platonically
in the front seat of her car
warm in the fading winter sun
and i think...
...i think that might be all
i've ever wanted
because
with my face in her shoulder
for a few fleeting moments
all the conflicted emotions
all the regret and confusion and despair
all the thoughts of ending everything (everything)
disappeared
and for the first time in months
i felt like,
despite the ache i feel
the ache i might always feel,
things would be okay eventually
and maybe the ache would even go away
if i worked at it
and until then
i can wait