#29

Friday, June 14, 2013


Kidney Stones

I wake up from complete blackness and the first thing I feel is my nerve endings melting, dripping off like candle wax and dissolving into nothing. Vodka. Another night spent throwing myself into wretched oblivion, eventually forcing myself to climb out of an ever-thickening pool of regret, shame, heartache, and depression...although as long as I lay here unmoving - a dried-out, loathsome husk of despair - I can almost enjoy the way I feel right now. I am most definitely still drunk, probably won't wear off till midday at least, and I figure I may as well let this notungood feeling last as long as possible before I have to pay for what I've done to myself. Before I start the cycle all over.

I text her for a while, feeling good that my pickled brain can form coherent thoughts and my trembling hands can type actual words. Then I force myself out of bed and into the kitchen to fill a pint glass with ice. I pour a generous amount of hours-old coffee over the top. Old or not, I'm thankful one of my roommates brews a pot every day and never finishes it so I can at least get an immediate caffeine fix on the mornings that I need it - and holy Christ, is this one of them. This pre-hangover is cancerous, malignant, invading every crevice of my being. My head throbs, my eyes burn, my bowels ache; my stomach is roiling, my mouth is parched, my nerves are shot, my emotions run wild - all in all, this is the king cunt of pre-hangovers.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the day brings.

#28

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I need enough to get up to that down, heavy, weighted level
the one where I don't care
and care too much
numb and alive
cold and concerned
despondent and hopeful
raging and full of love