Sunday, July 28, 2013
I am a narcissist obsessed with my own narcissism
Forever concerned with myself
Always self-aware enough to realize that
But too self-centered to do anything about it
-------
Solipsism is like this weird combination of narcissism, depression, psychedelic drugs, too much pop culture, personal experience, mental instability, The Matrix (Jesus, I wish I could've referenced anything else), a fear of death, and a fear of the afterlife. And holy shit, does it make a lot of sense right now.
Given that, how much sense can it make since I was self-conscious about referencing The Matrix there?
7.28.2013
7.26.2013
#31.5
Friday, July 26, 2013
Why Does This Hurt?
Because I love you.
Because I'm selfish.
Because I'm jealous.
Because I'm lonely.
Because I'm confused.
Because you're my best friend.
Because I want to spend every waking instant with you.
Because I don't know what I'd do without you.
Because I don't want to hurt you.
Because I've wanted the same thing ever since I first met you.
Because you're my best friend and I still want the same thing.
Because you give me (almost) everything I've ever wanted.
Because you care about me.
Because I care about you.
Because you make me feel things I've never felt before.
Because those things are sometimes great.
Because those things are sometimes difficult.
Because those things are sometimes the most painful things in the world.
Because I know if I could get my shit together we would be right for each other.
Because I can't get my shit together until you realize that.
Because you won't realize that.
Because I'm afraid it wouldn't last.
Because I don't know if I could let go no matter how hard I tried.
Because I'm not sure if I want to let go no matter how much it hurts.
Because we're deeply, sickly co-dependent.
Because we're both depressed.
Because I might be borderline.
Because you might be too.
Because sometimes I think you're right in not feeling the same way.
Because you have pretty good taste in things.
Because you can make fun of me like no one else can.
Because you think my dickishness is funny (most of the time).
Because you're not afraid to tell me when my dickishness isn't funny.
Because of those few days when you were petsitting.
Because that first night you were petsitting didn't go the way I wish it would have.
Because to this day I still wish that first night would have gone differently.
Because given the chance I would relive those three days for eternity without any changes, even with the bad parts, the awkward parts.
Because that was the happiest I've ever been.
Because I'm afraid I'll never be that happy again.
Because if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have been that happy.
Because sometimes I still lose my breath when I look at pictures of you.
Because you make me want to do things I normally wouldn't want to do (good, bad, etc).
Because I've written more about you than everyone else combined (myself aside).
Because you worry about me and that never bothers me.
Because I worry about you and that sometimes bothers me.
Because you were a huge part of the reason I tried to kill myself.
Because you are a huge part of the reason I don't want to kill myself.
Because sometimes thinking about you still makes me want to kill myself.
Because every time you hang out with a guy I wonder if you slept with him.
Because I hate myself for wondering that.
Because you make me want to quit drinking.
Because you make me want to drink.
Because I think I use you as an excuse to drink.
Because when I'm not with you, drinking seems like the only logical choice.
Because as I'm writing this I've been awake for ninety minutes and I'm already on my second vodka and coffee.
Because the necklace you gave me is a constant physical reminder of you and it makes me want to not do stupid shit.
Because I still do stupid shit anyway.
Because I think you could save me.
Because I think I could save you.
Because I know no one can save anyone else.
Because if that's true I don't know if I have a reason to live.
Because I don't think I could live without you.
Because with the way things are right now I don't know if I can live with you.
Because I'm still not sure if I want to live at all.
Because this list could always be added to.
Because.
Why Does This Hurt?
Because I love you.
Because I'm selfish.
Because I'm jealous.
Because I'm lonely.
Because I'm confused.
Because you're my best friend.
Because I want to spend every waking instant with you.
Because I don't know what I'd do without you.
Because I don't want to hurt you.
Because I've wanted the same thing ever since I first met you.
Because you're my best friend and I still want the same thing.
Because you give me (almost) everything I've ever wanted.
Because you care about me.
Because I care about you.
Because you make me feel things I've never felt before.
Because those things are sometimes great.
Because those things are sometimes difficult.
Because those things are sometimes the most painful things in the world.
Because I know if I could get my shit together we would be right for each other.
Because I can't get my shit together until you realize that.
Because you won't realize that.
Because I'm afraid it wouldn't last.
Because I don't know if I could let go no matter how hard I tried.
Because I'm not sure if I want to let go no matter how much it hurts.
Because we're deeply, sickly co-dependent.
Because we're both depressed.
Because I might be borderline.
Because you might be too.
Because sometimes I think you're right in not feeling the same way.
Because you have pretty good taste in things.
Because you can make fun of me like no one else can.
Because you think my dickishness is funny (most of the time).
Because you're not afraid to tell me when my dickishness isn't funny.
Because of those few days when you were petsitting.
Because that first night you were petsitting didn't go the way I wish it would have.
Because to this day I still wish that first night would have gone differently.
Because given the chance I would relive those three days for eternity without any changes, even with the bad parts, the awkward parts.
Because that was the happiest I've ever been.
Because I'm afraid I'll never be that happy again.
Because if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have been that happy.
Because sometimes I still lose my breath when I look at pictures of you.
Because you make me want to do things I normally wouldn't want to do (good, bad, etc).
Because I've written more about you than everyone else combined (myself aside).
Because you worry about me and that never bothers me.
Because I worry about you and that sometimes bothers me.
Because you were a huge part of the reason I tried to kill myself.
Because you are a huge part of the reason I don't want to kill myself.
Because sometimes thinking about you still makes me want to kill myself.
Because every time you hang out with a guy I wonder if you slept with him.
Because I hate myself for wondering that.
Because you make me want to quit drinking.
Because you make me want to drink.
Because I think I use you as an excuse to drink.
Because when I'm not with you, drinking seems like the only logical choice.
Because as I'm writing this I've been awake for ninety minutes and I'm already on my second vodka and coffee.
Because the necklace you gave me is a constant physical reminder of you and it makes me want to not do stupid shit.
Because I still do stupid shit anyway.
Because I think you could save me.
Because I think I could save you.
Because I know no one can save anyone else.
Because if that's true I don't know if I have a reason to live.
Because I don't think I could live without you.
Because with the way things are right now I don't know if I can live with you.
Because I'm still not sure if I want to live at all.
Because this list could always be added to.
Because.
7.06.2013
#31
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Vodka in the freezer
Waiting to drink it
Until it's as cold
As I want to be
Vodka in the freezer
Waiting to drink it
Until it's as cold
As I want to be
7.02.2013
#30
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
I woke up for good with you in my head
(the same place you were during countless false awakenings
and the periods of darkness between)
And began absentmindedly flipping through a notepad
Filled with lyrics, notes, unintelligible scribblings
When I stumbled upon a drawing that was unmistakably yours
My thoughts faltered, off-balance, then toppled over themselves
Such an unexpected place to find a remnant of you
Here in this house you haven't been to in months
But one we used to frequent, together and apart
...and at the time, both options were dreadful and electric
Together, I could watch, make sure nothing happened
And I always found fault, even (especially) when there wasn't any
- the dreadful
Together, I could throw myself into blurred oblivion
Blame you and him and me for the way I felt
Tear into, rage, sabotage
- the electric
Apart, I could only fantasize
Nightmarishly about what was going on when I couldn't see
- the dreadful
Selfishly and vindictively about my rightness and my revenge
- the electric
In the same way I am right now, have been for weeks, if I'm honest
An ocean, a language, and countless thousand miles between us
And no matter what I do
to forget
to ignore
to distract
to numb
to make myself better
or worse
or nothing at all
I still feel the same as I have for the past...
four fucking years
I wish to Christ that wasn't the case
But I don't know if I can change
(can, want, what's the difference at this point?)
And if I can't change
I'm afraid this might be over
For good this time
I woke up for good with you in my head
(the same place you were during countless false awakenings
and the periods of darkness between)
And began absentmindedly flipping through a notepad
Filled with lyrics, notes, unintelligible scribblings
When I stumbled upon a drawing that was unmistakably yours
My thoughts faltered, off-balance, then toppled over themselves
Such an unexpected place to find a remnant of you
Here in this house you haven't been to in months
But one we used to frequent, together and apart
...and at the time, both options were dreadful and electric
Together, I could watch, make sure nothing happened
And I always found fault, even (especially) when there wasn't any
- the dreadful
Together, I could throw myself into blurred oblivion
Blame you and him and me for the way I felt
Tear into, rage, sabotage
- the electric
Apart, I could only fantasize
Nightmarishly about what was going on when I couldn't see
- the dreadful
Selfishly and vindictively about my rightness and my revenge
- the electric
In the same way I am right now, have been for weeks, if I'm honest
An ocean, a language, and countless thousand miles between us
And no matter what I do
to forget
to ignore
to distract
to numb
to make myself better
or worse
or nothing at all
I still feel the same as I have for the past...
four fucking years
I wish to Christ that wasn't the case
But I don't know if I can change
(can, want, what's the difference at this point?)
And if I can't change
I'm afraid this might be over
For good this time
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