#30

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I woke up for good with you in my head
(the same place you were during countless false awakenings
and the periods of darkness between)
And began absentmindedly flipping through a notepad
Filled with lyrics, notes, unintelligible scribblings
When I stumbled upon a drawing that was unmistakably yours
My thoughts faltered, off-balance, then toppled over themselves
Such an unexpected place to find a remnant of you
Here in this house you haven't been to in months
But one we used to frequent, together and apart
...and at the time, both options were dreadful and electric
Together, I could watch, make sure nothing happened
And I always found fault, even (especially) when there wasn't any
  - the dreadful
Together, I could throw myself into blurred oblivion
Blame you and him and me for the way I felt
Tear into, rage, sabotage
  - the electric
Apart, I could only fantasize
    Nightmarishly about what was going on when I couldn't see
      - the dreadful
    Selfishly and vindictively about my rightness and my revenge
      - the electric
In the same way I am right now, have been for weeks, if I'm honest
An ocean, a language, and countless thousand miles between us
And no matter what I do
    to forget
      to ignore
        to distract
          to numb
    to make myself better
      or worse
        or nothing at all
I still feel the same as I have for the past...
    four fucking years
I wish to Christ that wasn't the case
But I don't know if I can change
    (can, want, what's the difference at this point?)
And if I can't change
I'm afraid this might be over
For good this time