#31.5

Friday, July 26, 2013


Why Does This Hurt?

Because I love you.
Because I'm selfish.
Because I'm jealous.
Because I'm lonely.
Because I'm confused.
Because you're my best friend.
Because I want to spend every waking instant with you.
Because I don't know what I'd do without you.
Because I don't want to hurt you.
Because I've wanted the same thing ever since I first met you.
Because you're my best friend and I still want the same thing.
Because you give me (almost) everything I've ever wanted.
Because you care about me.
Because I care about you.
Because you make me feel things I've never felt before.
Because those things are sometimes great.
Because those things are sometimes difficult.
Because those things are sometimes the most painful things in the world.
Because I know if I could get my shit together we would be right for each other.
Because I can't get my shit together until you realize that.
Because you won't realize that.
Because I'm afraid it wouldn't last.
Because I don't know if I could let go no matter how hard I tried.
Because I'm not sure if I want to let go no matter how much it hurts.
Because we're deeply, sickly co-dependent.
Because we're both depressed.
Because I might be borderline.
Because you might be too.
Because sometimes I think you're right in not feeling the same way.
Because you have pretty good taste in things.
Because you can make fun of me like no one else can.
Because you think my dickishness is funny (most of the time).
Because you're not afraid to tell me when my dickishness isn't funny.
Because of those few days when you were petsitting.
Because that first night you were petsitting didn't go the way I wish it would have.
Because to this day I still wish that first night would have gone differently.
Because given the chance I would relive those three days for eternity without any changes, even with the bad parts, the awkward parts.
Because that was the happiest I've ever been.
Because I'm afraid I'll never be that happy again.
Because if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have been that happy.
Because sometimes I still lose my breath when I look at pictures of you.
Because you make me want to do things I normally wouldn't want to do (good, bad, etc).
Because I've written more about you than everyone else combined (myself aside).
Because you worry about me and that never bothers me.
Because I worry about you and that sometimes bothers me.
Because you were a huge part of the reason I tried to kill myself.
Because you are a huge part of the reason I don't want to kill myself.
Because sometimes thinking about you still makes me want to kill myself.
Because every time you hang out with a guy I wonder if you slept with him.
Because I hate myself for wondering that.
Because you make me want to quit drinking.
Because you make me want to drink.
Because I think I use you as an excuse to drink.
Because when I'm not with you, drinking seems like the only logical choice.
Because as I'm writing this I've been awake for ninety minutes and I'm already on my second vodka and coffee.
Because the necklace you gave me is a constant physical reminder of you and it makes me want to not do stupid shit.
Because I still do stupid shit anyway.
Because I think you could save me.
Because I think I could save you.
Because I know no one can save anyone else.
Because if that's true I don't know if I have a reason to live.
Because I don't think I could live without you.
Because with the way things are right now I don't know if I can live with you.
Because I'm still not sure if I want to live at all.
Because this list could always be added to.
Because.