Monday, December 3, 2012
December fog creeps in
And settles over everything
Enveloping the landscape and obscuring it from view
My depression does the same
(a re-used metaphor - so uncreative)
Working its way into the deepest crevices of my mind
I try to displace it with smoke
Try to fill in the space with various poisons
Try to ignore the fact that it's there altogether
Anything to keep me from wallowing in it
But these measures are all so temporary
So very fleeting
Because eventually I always end up back here
Stumbling blind through the fog
Searching for a light that won't go out
A mixed metaphor, perhaps
But why not confuse my writing
When it fits so comfortably with the rest of my life?
======
It's so hard to be comfortable on my own
When everything reminds me of you
Music, books, restaurants
This entire city itself
Every street we've driven is mapped out in my memory
I need only to glance at an intersection we've travelled through
And dozens of memories come rushing forth of every conversation we've had there
Along with the emotions attached to them
I still remember where we were when you told me you were having one of the best nights of your life
Even though all we did was drive around, get high, and listen to music
And I still remember how happy and content that made me feel
What happened to us?
To me?
12.04.2012
9.04.2012
#20
Monday, September 3, 2012
"I wish I had more friends," she said, and the second thing I thought was, "I don't."
"I wish I had more friends," she said, and the second thing I thought was, "I don't."
8.08.2012
#19
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Almost one week
And the contentment has turned
Slowly but steadily
Into anxiety and fear
Day by day
I can feel the doubt and the dark thoughts
Trying to force their way forward again
Despite my best attempts
To ignore
To rationalize
To look on the bright side
(as if there is one -
because like the Sacred Chao
every bright side has a dark side as well
and vice versa)
To numb
It seems like nothing will work
So terrified that an attempted mistake
Will ruin the best part of my life
A mistake I've wanted to happen for more than three years
But now, clearly, a mistake all the same
...and a mistake I'm afraid I'd only hesitate briefly
Before making again
Almost one week
And the contentment has turned
Slowly but steadily
Into anxiety and fear
Day by day
I can feel the doubt and the dark thoughts
Trying to force their way forward again
Despite my best attempts
To ignore
To rationalize
To look on the bright side
(as if there is one -
because like the Sacred Chao
every bright side has a dark side as well
and vice versa)
To numb
It seems like nothing will work
So terrified that an attempted mistake
Will ruin the best part of my life
A mistake I've wanted to happen for more than three years
But now, clearly, a mistake all the same
...and a mistake I'm afraid I'd only hesitate briefly
Before making again
6.18.2012
#18
Monday, June 18, 2012
This one actually has a title
3:45pm
Day-drinking vodka since 11am
And I actually feel good on my own, for once
Emotions fuzzy, mind clear
Even though I know I'd sound like a simpleton if I spoke right now
But that doesn't matter
If I could feel like this forever, I would
Listening to weird prog rock in my bedroom...
I love my friends and family
But if I was locked forever, right here, right now
In this mindset
I wouldn't leave
Because after weeks of feeling disconnected and awful
(due to various chemicals, both internal and external)
I finally feel disconnected and good
This one actually has a title
3:45pm
Day-drinking vodka since 11am
And I actually feel good on my own, for once
Emotions fuzzy, mind clear
Even though I know I'd sound like a simpleton if I spoke right now
But that doesn't matter
If I could feel like this forever, I would
Listening to weird prog rock in my bedroom...
I love my friends and family
But if I was locked forever, right here, right now
In this mindset
I wouldn't leave
Because after weeks of feeling disconnected and awful
(due to various chemicals, both internal and external)
I finally feel disconnected and good
6.10.2012
#17
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Watching you
As you fawn over him
As he returns your advances
But for different reasons than you think
...or so he tells me
And I believe him
Even though I don't know if I do
And Christ, I hope it's true
Even if it hurts you
(and me, in a way)
I hope it's true
======
Were we happier six months ago?
If we were
Do we have something to do with the change?
...I worry that it's just me
Watching you
As you fawn over him
As he returns your advances
But for different reasons than you think
...or so he tells me
And I believe him
Even though I don't know if I do
And Christ, I hope it's true
Even if it hurts you
(and me, in a way)
I hope it's true
======
Were we happier six months ago?
If we were
Do we have something to do with the change?
...I worry that it's just me
6.08.2012
#16
Monday, April 30, 2012
I'm in almost the exact same place I was two years ago
Same job, same room, same drugs
Just a little more jaded
And a little less caring
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Another Sunday in my room
Disconnected
Miles from everywhere
I don't know what to do with myself when you're not around
And there's no promise you'll come over today
I'm scared I've grown dependent on you
And I'm scared that will push you away
...and a little scared that it won't
I can feel the desire to self-destruct rising
Because I know I'll never get what I want
And sometimes I'd rather take the easy way out
Especially when you're not here
I'm so terrified you feel something for him
And if you do...
I don't know.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
When I finally sleep
And awake the next day
I will only remember the nightmares
And the dreams of you
Sometimes I can't tell the difference
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
First dry day in God knows when
Alone with my thoughts
Without any way to turn them off
Scraping black powder from ceramic tubes
Then mixing it with tobacco and herbs
Hoping I have enough to numb my mind
At least until sleep comes
Where I know you'll be
5.09.2012
#15
c. May 2005
Late nights turn into early mornings, and sometimes I lay there and toss and turn. Sometimes I just sit and stare, wondering why I can't cry and wishing I could, like that day I drove in the rain, the window down, cold and tired, the salt of my tears mixing with the rain running down my face. There are things I want to say but no words to say them with, but I need to try, need to do something to shake this feeling I have grown to love. I think back to parties, rooms full of people, yet I was there only to see her. And when she left, I left and drove for hours, not in any direction, just driving and letting the white lines blur, trying to find meaning in the darkness and the silence, a reason for these emotions finally coming out after two years of suppression. Driving on those dimly lit back roads with nothing but the trees and the asphalt and the sky and myself, wishing so badly that she was in the seat next to me, because I know her presence would make everything all right. I asked her today if she was busy, weeks of fear and paranoia and apprehension released with one unsure sentence, and she said she was as she walked away blushing, leaving me to wonder what would happen next. Only weeks away from summer, and then another year, and then I will never see her again, and goddamnit all, time just moves so fast, running ahead to take her away from me, and then what will I do? God, please, I know I don't deserve anything, but please help me. The ache is so great and I just want to get rid of it. I tell myself I don't care and build up complex logic barriers to block out all feeling, only to have them broken by her laugh or a passing glance at her face that manifests into a sharp burst of pain that leaves my heart bleeding out into the emptiness between us in a desperate attempt to relieve this hurt by reaching out to her and failing miserably because now that the wall is broken I can only focus on my longing and nothing else. All logic has left and been replaced by all the love I have for her, which is all the love I have, so I am left numb and apathetic about everything except her, and if she knew that she would push me away just like before, and so she can't know, but how am I supposed to reach out if she can't know, and now she has to know and I've succeeded only in undoing that at which I worked so hard to repair. And yet my love is as strong as ever and that has to mean something. And I have let my guard down and now I know that she is what I need, but she doesn't need me, she doesn't even see me for what I am now, and if she could, would it even matter, or would she continue to deny me her thoughts and her hopes and her fears and to reject all that I really have to offer her - a love that is not even my own.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Mixtapes made and never given
Unable to read your kind words because I know they're true
And that makes it difficult to hate you the way I want to
I never wanted to be here
Late nights turn into early mornings, and sometimes I lay there and toss and turn. Sometimes I just sit and stare, wondering why I can't cry and wishing I could, like that day I drove in the rain, the window down, cold and tired, the salt of my tears mixing with the rain running down my face. There are things I want to say but no words to say them with, but I need to try, need to do something to shake this feeling I have grown to love. I think back to parties, rooms full of people, yet I was there only to see her. And when she left, I left and drove for hours, not in any direction, just driving and letting the white lines blur, trying to find meaning in the darkness and the silence, a reason for these emotions finally coming out after two years of suppression. Driving on those dimly lit back roads with nothing but the trees and the asphalt and the sky and myself, wishing so badly that she was in the seat next to me, because I know her presence would make everything all right. I asked her today if she was busy, weeks of fear and paranoia and apprehension released with one unsure sentence, and she said she was as she walked away blushing, leaving me to wonder what would happen next. Only weeks away from summer, and then another year, and then I will never see her again, and goddamnit all, time just moves so fast, running ahead to take her away from me, and then what will I do? God, please, I know I don't deserve anything, but please help me. The ache is so great and I just want to get rid of it. I tell myself I don't care and build up complex logic barriers to block out all feeling, only to have them broken by her laugh or a passing glance at her face that manifests into a sharp burst of pain that leaves my heart bleeding out into the emptiness between us in a desperate attempt to relieve this hurt by reaching out to her and failing miserably because now that the wall is broken I can only focus on my longing and nothing else. All logic has left and been replaced by all the love I have for her, which is all the love I have, so I am left numb and apathetic about everything except her, and if she knew that she would push me away just like before, and so she can't know, but how am I supposed to reach out if she can't know, and now she has to know and I've succeeded only in undoing that at which I worked so hard to repair. And yet my love is as strong as ever and that has to mean something. And I have let my guard down and now I know that she is what I need, but she doesn't need me, she doesn't even see me for what I am now, and if she could, would it even matter, or would she continue to deny me her thoughts and her hopes and her fears and to reject all that I really have to offer her - a love that is not even my own.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Mixtapes made and never given
Unable to read your kind words because I know they're true
And that makes it difficult to hate you the way I want to
I never wanted to be here
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