#29

Friday, June 14, 2013


Kidney Stones

I wake up from complete blackness and the first thing I feel is my nerve endings melting, dripping off like candle wax and dissolving into nothing. Vodka. Another night spent throwing myself into wretched oblivion, eventually forcing myself to climb out of an ever-thickening pool of regret, shame, heartache, and depression...although as long as I lay here unmoving - a dried-out, loathsome husk of despair - I can almost enjoy the way I feel right now. I am most definitely still drunk, probably won't wear off till midday at least, and I figure I may as well let this notungood feeling last as long as possible before I have to pay for what I've done to myself. Before I start the cycle all over.

I text her for a while, feeling good that my pickled brain can form coherent thoughts and my trembling hands can type actual words. Then I force myself out of bed and into the kitchen to fill a pint glass with ice. I pour a generous amount of hours-old coffee over the top. Old or not, I'm thankful one of my roommates brews a pot every day and never finishes it so I can at least get an immediate caffeine fix on the mornings that I need it - and holy Christ, is this one of them. This pre-hangover is cancerous, malignant, invading every crevice of my being. My head throbs, my eyes burn, my bowels ache; my stomach is roiling, my mouth is parched, my nerves are shot, my emotions run wild - all in all, this is the king cunt of pre-hangovers.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the day brings.

#28

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I need enough to get up to that down, heavy, weighted level
the one where I don't care
and care too much
numb and alive
cold and concerned
despondent and hopeful
raging and full of love

#27

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I just want
Someone
I can lay in bed with
Listen to music and
Laze away the afternoon
Sunday sunlight
Streaming through
My bedroom window

Fingers entwined
Close and warm
Totally at ease, only
Interrupting
To turn the record over
And climb back
Under the covers
To hold
And to be held

#26

Sunday, April 14, 2013

They know we're supposed to be together

I'd like to think so

But I'm not sure

...

They're right, though

Right?

#25

Saturday, April 6, 2013

For once
Not miserable
And I hope it's not because
That's how you're making him feel

#24

Saturday, March 9, 2013

And all my writing is deluded
And all my hopes are false
Trying not to grasp
Trying to kill the desire inside of me
But it's difficult
When I'm not sure what I'm reaching for
Or what I want

A lighthearted conversation turned suddenly real
My head thrust into turmoil with one sentence
Then pushed quickly out the door
Not allowed any more razor-sharp words
To cut through the gordian knot that instantly formed
In the hollows of my skull
Left with the frostbitten fingers of my own thoughts
And the shaky hands of my morality, ravaged by time and toxins
Unable to get to the center
Because each pull at one side
Only tightens the rest
Sometimes revealing new snarls, too
I wish I knew where to find a torch
So I could burn the entire thing to ash
And watch it drift off on the wind
Never to see it again

#23.5

c. November 2012, March 2013, May 2013 & Sunday, July 14, 2013

[I think this is as finished as it's going to get, unless I'm able to flesh out the surrounding events into a short story the way I want to - you shouldn't read this; it's too faux-explicit and too personal]

Blink (A Passionately Calculated Decision)

"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" I say.

A moment's hesitation, a slightly worried look, then, "Yeah, okay."

"Cool. Wanna come outside with me? I need a cigarette."

Blink.

Sitting on the porch, in the middle of a sentence:

"...and I'm not gonna get weird or depressed or anything, I'll be okay if you say no, it's just been on my mind a lot recently and I didn't even want to bring this up because I didn't want to make things awkward because you're my best friend and I wouldn't trade that for anything but I've been thinking about it and... fuck, do you maybe wanna try dating?"

A surprised look, then, "No!"

Was that exasperation in her voice? Pity? Simple shock? I couldn't tell.

Blink.

An unexpected query from her:

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"What? Seriously? Yeah... yeah, I really do."

She leans into me. I drop my cigarette and respond in kind. Our lips meet. I pull her closer.

Blink.

Still kissing. Harder now. Her bottom lip in my teeth, then mine in hers. Biting, pulling, a slight pain, yet one I don't mind in the least.

"Did you bring protection?"

"What? ...no, no I didn't," a pause to take a gasping breath. Fuck, why can't I be like other guys and think that something like this might actually happen?

"But I wish I had now."

Blink.

"God, I'm so tempted to say, 'Fuck it,' and go do this."

A moment of stunned silence. There's no way that means what I think it means. This isn't happening. She's talking about something else. Don't get your hopes up. This isn't happening.

Blink.

Upstairs, in a stranger's bed. Still kissing.

"You promise you'll pull out, right?"

"Of course. Don't worry."

"Okay."

Then, suddenly, she's naked with the exception of her bra. I'm immobile. This is happening. Three years, much of which has been filled with heartache and bullshit, and this is finally, actually happening. (and this happening isn't the important part [though it is, at least a little] - it's the trust it takes to get here)

"Come on," she says softly, gently breaking me from my trance.

Blink.

A confusion of thighs, lips, hands, breasts, breath, tongues, teeth. My mouth alternately on her neck, her mouth, then the one place I was sure I'd never see. Hands in my hair, pulling, panting, saying my name. Asking, almost begging me.

Blink.

And everything is over. Or, it should have been. Tragically (or was it), my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak. Traded apologies and comforts. Lips still pressing together occasionally, but now a faint air of disappointment that things didn't come to fruition. And for the life of me, I swear it isn't just my own disappointment, despite everything that happened later.

Blink.

Downstairs, filling a glass with water. Drinking it. To the computer to try and make things work. This is my only chance and I know it. Footsteps on the stairs cut my plans short.

"Hey, you all right? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just finishing my water."

"Okay, good. Wanna come back upstairs?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

Blink.

The flame ignites. She inhales, then beckons me closer, lungs still full. She opens her mouth; I do too. Pushing her mouth against mine, she breathes the smoke past my teeth, over my tongue, and into my own lungs. A prolonged moment, then I exhale what little smoke is left.

She grins at me. "My turn."

I gladly return the favor.

Blink.

Rising from the bed, heading to the adjoining bathroom to clean the pipe. I reach the threshold, then:

"Hey, come back for a second."

I turn, smiling, and see her smiling back at me as I walk towards her.

"What?"

"What do you think?"

Our smiles widen as a glint enters her eye. Our lips meet anew.

Blink.

Once again entwined on the bed. Loud, quick breaths between kisses. My hands roaming over her body. Nervous, excited, happy. Hoping to God this works now. Trying anything I can think of, asking for things I normally wouldn't have asked for the first time but desperately reaching out for anything that will make this happen. She's making soft noises below me and Christ, I need this to happen now because it will never happen again, a fact I'm keenly aware of and doing my best to ignore. It's not working. None of this is.

Blink.

Yet again all the excitement dissipates, leaving a cold void of expectation in its wake.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"I'm tired."
"Yeah, me too. Should we just go to sleep?"
"Yeah."
She rolls over on her side. I do the same, wrapping my arm around her, putting my hand on top of hers, interweaving our fingers.
"Thank you," she says.

Blink.

Exhausted but afraid to sleep. I don't want to miss a minute of this because these occurrences are so rare. I'm afraid that after tonight, this will be the last one. I lay there, feeling her breathing slow and become more regular, trying to make my own fall in sync, alternately opening and closing my eyes, feeling tired but too electric, too nervous to sleep.

Blink.

Sleep must have come at some point, however, because movement from her side of the bed wakes me an indeterminate amount of time later. It's still dark, so I couldn't have been asleep too long. I rub my eyes, open them to find her getting out of bed, putting her underwear and shorts back on. I didn't even realize she'd fallen asleep without them. She climbs back into bed and curls up next to me again. I put my arm back around her, hold her hand. I close my eyes, and though it seems like it takes forever, I finally drift off into black, dreamless sleep for good.