#80

Thursday, September 24, 2015

I'm not hermiting
I'm cocooning

#79

Friday, July 10, 2015


Belated Eulogy for HW

Mountains of pain
Looming in distant fog
Beyond idyllic rolling fields
Of absurdity, comedy,
And a desire to remain unserious
Able to stay there
With the right music
And a handful of whatever's around
Until the bottom dropped out
After a tape-recorded night of celebration
I don't know exactly what followed
But I think I can guess:
A moment of clarity
     of realizing how fucked things are
     and maybe how fucked they've always been
A seeking of help
     an admission that you can't save yourself by yourself
     no matter how much it hurts
A period of optimism
     trying to reintegrate
     maybe even feeling good for a while
Until the bottom dropped even further
As the gnawing inside became more intense
Falling back into old habits -
Attempts to satiate the ravenous maw
Only to find those habits are less effective than ever
Because now you know better
     (or should, anyway)
But nothing/no-one else fills that void, either
No matter what or who it is
Those feelings
     the ones that had been there forever
     the ones that kept getting worse
...you couldn't see them ever going away
And once that idea solidified
You understood that you'd never really lived
And probably never would
So you left it all behind
Forced your sister to a place inconceivable
I read her words, and they broke my heart
Because I imagined my sister writing the same, yes
But also because I see a lot of me in you
And, truth be told,
I'm afraid I might meet you
And soon.

"I just think motherfuckers wanna laugh"

#78

Thursday, July 9, 2015


My Feet are Fucking Freezing

two years and i'm back in the same place
well, no, not the same place
i'm doing better in a lot of ways
and this time it's my choice
but still, even after xanax and a joint
nothing will slow down right now

#77

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Not to sound dramatic
But there are days when taking my life
Seems easier than taking a shower
  (a thing I like to do!)
When every word I force through my teeth
Feels like a paperthin death

I'm not trying to go easy on me
But you should know:
The fact that I made multiple(!) phonecalls today
Is fucking miraculous
Especially when they were about me

Progress takes time.
There are a lot of false starts
And a lot of fallings flat
  on my stupid face;
I know it's painful to watch
  (really, I do)
But as long as I'm still laughing
Can/'t you laugh, too?

#76

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

poking nerves wrapped in cellophane
because I'm "right about everything"
yeah, sure, I'm right about everything
...but I am right about everything

     Neither of us asked for it
     And I think we both get that
     But you had me
     And I didn't ask for it
     Do you get that?

fuck, why do I always make myself the victim?
why am I always assigning blame
but never accepting it?


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Staring at lines in the ceiling
Stuck in the longest afternoon
I just want to sleep
To sleep, but not to dream
To shut down completely
Because I think too much...

I consume myself with thought
Teeth ripping, tearing, rending
Leaving behind a mound of unidentifiable gristle
Spending days, weeks, trying to rebuild it into something that makes sense
Some sculpture that will provide an answer
     - or at least a fucking hint
     the slightest idea of what's broken inside me
But it always comes out wrong
Dripping pockmarks, jagged bony protrusions
A hideous shrine to futility

And me, lying face-down at its base
Waiting for the strength to tear it down again
Though I'm never sure if I want to keep trying
Or add another line


"I love dreamless sleep. Dreams tell me too much. Sometimes the less I know, the better. The more I look, the more I see.

I have tried some stupid things in my time. Gone to extremes to try and get away from things in my head that I knew were trying to kill me. Hard to swallow when you see yourself as the enemy. Only you could put yourself through this. I have tried to ignore myself, failing miserably every time.

Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

How far does one have to go before the pain falls away? I don't want to shoot myself in the head anymore. I'm tired of that money business. I'm tired of my brain. I want to remove parts—burn parts out. Do you get tired of the language that they speak, the things that they do? Me too. They shove dirt into my thoughts. Can't wait for the sun to go down today. I can come out at night. I can lose myself at night. Walk and forget. Walk and unload."
~Henry Rollins, "Monster"

#75

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"A man's gotta
believe in something..."

If that's true
I'm not a man
Because I couldn't fucking tell you
What I believe



Tuesday, June 9, 2015


My Life is Not a Movie, Thank God


Act I

in the film of my life
i'm certainly not the star
and on the off-chance that i am
i'm the tragic hero
...no, the pitiable protagonist

#74

Friday, June 5, 2015


TMBG*

equilibrium still fucked from
swinging on a deck swing
swang and swung
sweng and songs
deck me
emotionally (*)
and it all feels wrong