#43

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I would give everything
To relive Saturday evening
So I could do anything but
Set out to destroy myself
I wish I never would have hurt you
Would never have hurt anyone
I just want to talk to you
Even though I was starting to make things awkward
(I'd like to undo that as well
because I understand now
that was the beginning of
another act of sabotage
that I'm afraid ended everything with you
once and for all)
Because as uncomfortable as it might have been
There's no way it's as bad as this
I don't know if you or I will ever recover from this;
From hurting you as much and as often as I did
I know I have to stay clear-headed
So I don't hurt you or anyone else again
But if I can't make a trade
To have Saturday back
Or at least to make these awful feelings of
Guilt, shame, remorse, and self-hatred dissipate
And the chance to talk to you once more
Then I'd like to give it all away
For a week's stay in a no-star hotel room,
A shitty stereo with the right music,
A carton,
A quarter,
A few cases,
And five or six bottles.
Enough to make me psychotic
And then make this over



Thursday, October 3, 2013


Catastrophe

I've finally succeeded in accomplishing
One of two things I've worked at
Seemingly since I met you:
Pushing you to the point
That you had no other choice but to
Leave me to my own asinine devices
If you wanted to retain your sanity.
Because on some simultaneously
Self-loathing
Self-centered and
Self-destructive level
It's what I thought I wanted
What I thought I needed.
All it took was another
Drunken night (okay, two) to do it and
Another shaky morning
To see that I was
Wrong again.
Now all I can do is cling to the hope
That you decide you are, too.