#31

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Vodka in the freezer
Waiting to drink it
Until it's as cold
As I want to be

#30

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I woke up for good with you in my head
(the same place you were during countless false awakenings
and the periods of darkness between)
And began absentmindedly flipping through a notepad
Filled with lyrics, notes, unintelligible scribblings
When I stumbled upon a drawing that was unmistakably yours
My thoughts faltered, off-balance, then toppled over themselves
Such an unexpected place to find a remnant of you
Here in this house you haven't been to in months
But one we used to frequent, together and apart
...and at the time, both options were dreadful and electric
Together, I could watch, make sure nothing happened
And I always found fault, even (especially) when there wasn't any
  - the dreadful
Together, I could throw myself into blurred oblivion
Blame you and him and me for the way I felt
Tear into, rage, sabotage
  - the electric
Apart, I could only fantasize
    Nightmarishly about what was going on when I couldn't see
      - the dreadful
    Selfishly and vindictively about my rightness and my revenge
      - the electric
In the same way I am right now, have been for weeks, if I'm honest
An ocean, a language, and countless thousand miles between us
And no matter what I do
    to forget
      to ignore
        to distract
          to numb
    to make myself better
      or worse
        or nothing at all
I still feel the same as I have for the past...
    four fucking years
I wish to Christ that wasn't the case
But I don't know if I can change
    (can, want, what's the difference at this point?)
And if I can't change
I'm afraid this might be over
For good this time

#29

Friday, June 14, 2013


Kidney Stones

I wake up from complete blackness and the first thing I feel is my nerve endings melting, dripping off like candle wax and dissolving into nothing. Vodka. Another night spent throwing myself into wretched oblivion, eventually forcing myself to climb out of an ever-thickening pool of regret, shame, heartache, and depression...although as long as I lay here unmoving - a dried-out, loathsome husk of despair - I can almost enjoy the way I feel right now. I am most definitely still drunk, probably won't wear off till midday at least, and I figure I may as well let this notungood feeling last as long as possible before I have to pay for what I've done to myself. Before I start the cycle all over.

I text her for a while, feeling good that my pickled brain can form coherent thoughts and my trembling hands can type actual words. Then I force myself out of bed and into the kitchen to fill a pint glass with ice. I pour a generous amount of hours-old coffee over the top. Old or not, I'm thankful one of my roommates brews a pot every day and never finishes it so I can at least get an immediate caffeine fix on the mornings that I need it - and holy Christ, is this one of them. This pre-hangover is cancerous, malignant, invading every crevice of my being. My head throbs, my eyes burn, my bowels ache; my stomach is roiling, my mouth is parched, my nerves are shot, my emotions run wild - all in all, this is the king cunt of pre-hangovers.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the day brings.

#28

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I need enough to get up to that down, heavy, weighted level
the one where I don't care
and care too much
numb and alive
cold and concerned
despondent and hopeful
raging and full of love

#27

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I just want
Someone
I can lay in bed with
Listen to music and
Laze away the afternoon
Sunday sunlight
Streaming through
My bedroom window

Fingers entwined
Close and warm
Totally at ease, only
Interrupting
To turn the record over
And climb back
Under the covers
To hold
And to be held

#26

Sunday, April 14, 2013

They know we're supposed to be together

I'd like to think so

But I'm not sure

...

They're right, though

Right?

#25

Saturday, April 6, 2013

For once
Not miserable
And I hope it's not because
That's how you're making him feel