#53

Monday, February 3, 2014


Note (Malt Liquor and Hypothermia)

I'll wear boots
So I don't get cold feet
For once in my life

This is my fault
And mine alone
So feel okay

And when I go to sleep
Let me sleep forever

#52

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I used to drink because I wasn't with you
Now I drink to forget you


Friday, January 10, 2014

I run at the faintest sign of rain
The smallest tinge of greyed unsure-ity
As I'm swallowed by my insecurity

-----

I just want a sad affair
The kind I should have had
My senior year


Friday, January 17, 2014

i don't know the difference between love and obsession
love, disease, and obsession are one in the same


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

i only wish your happiness
made me happy as well
instead of hurting so much
that i don't want to feel anything
ever again


Sunday, February 2, 2014

she held me
platonically
in the front seat of her car
warm in the fading winter sun
and i think...
...i think that might be all
i've ever wanted
because
with my face in her shoulder
for a few fleeting moments
all the conflicted emotions
all the regret and confusion and despair
all the thoughts of ending everything (everything)
disappeared
and for the first time in months
i felt like,
despite the ache i feel
the ache i might always feel,
things would be okay eventually
and maybe the ache would even go away
if i worked at it
and until then
i can wait

#51

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


"The problem with these people is they understand the obvious; the problem with these people is they understand their vices, not their faults"

Judge me as you smoke your life away
Tonight, you'll probably find yourself
Knelt in front of the altar of excess
Voluntarily expelling your bile
The same way you do while sober
And when the grand moment has come
I hope he tastes it on your lips
And I hope somewhere
Beneath numbing layers of
Self-denial, lies, rationalization, and drugs
    (see, we really are the same)
The part of you that knows he's wrong
Screams loud enough
That even the music and laughter can't block it out
This time I hope you listen
Though I know you'll watch yourself please him
Convinced that it's love
Because it fleetingly satisfies your hunger for acceptance
Vomit that out, too
For yourself
And start fasting
Hunger pangs get easier to deal with
    (or at least ignore)
With the passing of time
And eventually you'll find someone
Who will take away your hunger completely
It won't be me
   (though I still wish it was - my apologies)
But you'll find someone

...or, I hope you do
Because you deserve it
If only you'd try

#50

Monday, December 2, 2013

In bed
Our bodies -
Mirror images when face-to-face -
Fit together as we lay here
Fully clothed
Contours perfectly aligned

I kiss the vertebra at the base of your neck
And drift into sleep
Dreamless
Because nothing could be better than this
And awaking alone
I know nothing could be less likely

#49

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I hate myself
and everything I write
(this included)
I regret every decision that led me here
and I just want this to be over


Thursday, November 21, 2013

So tired of caring
I don't want to feel
Why is my heart still beating?
I no longer have a use for it;
I died long ago

I wish I didn't care
About anyone
Anything
At all

I want a hard heart
A calcified stone
Buried beneath my ribs
Cool and unmoving

Or

I want to tear it out
And give it to you
As a gift or a burden
For you to do with as you see fit
Because you're the only one
I've ever wanted to have it
Even if you never give me yours in return

#48

Monday, November 4, 2013

Pre-exhaustion
Anticipating the stress of the upcoming months
Trying to keep my head where my hands are
Unable (unwilling?) to take the advice
That I so freely give to others
I am a sham
And all my thoughts are snake oil

#47

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Losing Daylight Saving

Gained an hour
Lost a life
Lost all power
Gained more strife
I was told exactly how I think
Now I have no ability to drink
Monochromatic mind
Limping, crawling, blind
Crutchless
Touchless
Static
With so much time