#117

Sorry about my gross poems in the last one (but not sorry enough to take them down, I guess), it helps me more to post them here than to keep them on my phone (maybe because I know you'll see them here - ugh, I'm such a shitty person).

Maybe I'll feel better soon, maybe I'll feel embarrassed for posting all of this in a week or two, but it's how I'm feeling now and I'm scared it's how I'll always feel and I guess I want you to know without telling you directly. I'm sorry.

[11.10.2023]

what do you do
when the person you tell

when you're feeling sad

becomes the reason

you're feeling sad?

----------------

i used to think i'd be okay
with waiting for you forever

but i'm starting to see
that i might not have a choice

that i might not be able

to stop

even as i'm realizing
you'll never come around

---------------

can you keep dealing with me
if i never get over you?
because as much as i want to move on
i don't think it's ever going to happen

---------------

posting all this to push you away so it at least feels somewhat mutual if i finally give up this charade again

---------------

did i help you clean your apartment
so you could invite him over?

---------------

i never worried much
about whether or not i was attractive 
until you told me you weren't attracted to me

but you dated
that gangly
unhygienic 
snaggle-toothed
ugly-inside-and-out
fuck
for years

that's really the only thing
that makes me bitter

otherwise all that i hate
is how much i hurt
and how much
i'm hurting you

----------------

i just want to
make you dinner and
respect your wants/needs
too

----------------

you recently said one reason
you couldn't date me
is because you couldn't bear
to hurt me if we broke up

and i know you were trying

to be kind and let me down easy

...but i already ache so much
that i can't imagine it being worse

and even if it hurt
more than anything
at least i'd know
we tried

i think never getting that chance
is what hurts most of all

---------------

i hope
    (for your sake)
you find the one

but if you do
please don't invite me
to your wedding

---------------

i love you so much
that i'd do it all again
even if i couldn't change
anything

---------------

I hate when I feel like this

But I never hated you

---------------

Got this feeling

When I heard your name the other day

Couldn't say it

Couldn't make it go away

It's a hard place

Can't be friends we can't be enemies

It's just too much

I feel the weight crushing down on my face

The hardest part is things already said

Getting better worse I cannot tell

Why do good things never wanna stay?

Some things you lose, some things you give away

Broken pieces

Try to make it good again

Is it worth it?

Will it make me sick today?

It's a dumb song

But I'll write it anyway

It's an old mistake

But we always make it—why do we?

This time it'll be alright

This time it'll be okay